Non-Driving MF’s

Ok, so there are a few things that have been bothering me as of late. It seems that every new car commercial is toting on about some kind of new future-aged magical mechanical bullshit. I don’t know what came first. The car or the idiot driver. It’s like the age-old chicken or the egg riddle. With all of the gadgets we have these days that require our attention, do we really need more and more things to be automatic? Are we growing that stupid that we simply cannot even expect people to know how to drive theirfucking cars? This model comes equipped with lane detection sensors? Yeah, Well, I was born with tlane detection sensors. They are called EYES! They work by turning your head to see if anything is next to you before you put on your turn signal and merge over. Pretty simple, hu? Nope, too advance for some. People cannot be bothered with looking over their shoulders anymore. If there happens to be a car next to you, or lord forbid, someone’s elderly grandmother, whose electrical wheelchair just malfunctioned and is riding into traffic, trust that your car will let you know of this pending disaster and sound an alarm. Maybe there will also be some flashing lights in case your just too fucking dumb to use your sense of hearing. We do know one thing, though…turning to look is so cave man….completely outdated; obsolete.

Then comes the fact that your car can now parallel park itself. Really? Is there a reason why we need this? To me, if you cannot master the simple art of passing a drivers exam, then you shouldn’t be trusted with a 2 thousand pound torpedo of death and distruction! What is the purpose of these “options”, which I’m sure will become normalized in all cars in a few years? What are we doing in cars that we don’t have the split second it takes to turn our heads or park the car under good old manual power? Maybe we are on our cell phones, talking or texting. Maybe shaving, eating, planning the weeks recipes? Tell me, please, cuz I don’t get it.

Now, I see a truck commercial that has park assist for your boat. Ok, so let’s get this straight…you can’t drive forward, you can’t change lanes, you can’t back up without a camera, then you sure as hell don’t have the where-with-all to know how to reverse back-up a fucking boat or trailer. Wow, where was this technology when I was taking my CDL test years ago, and I had to parallel park on of those suns-a-bitches…

“All bets are off, though, if they design one that wipes your ass…I’m first in line for that!”


Just last week, I had a young girl come over to see my son and his gf. She was driving her daddy’s car. She couldn’t back up in a straight line, and completely buried her car in my neighbors yard, completely perpendicular to the driveway, where she sat and spun the tires til she dug out a nice mess for someone to fix. Once she got unstuck, she just drove off. Left a path of muddy destruction behind her. I’m still thinking about driving down the street to her house and slapping the shit outa her parents. I’d think of it as doing a public service. She, sadly, isn’t the first one….I’ve had about 2 other teen-aged drivers turf my yard, and my neighbors yard with their non-driving fucking asses.

Now, what’s going to happen when these cars are flying down the freeways going 70+ miles per hour next to you in your Prius with your small children? What’s going to happen when people start getting killed by these cars? I wonder who will be responsible? Will it be the “rider”, the car manufacturer, or maybe even the car itself? Whose to blame? Who goes to jail?

Why are we letting these car manufacturers treat us like were cattle? Like were stupid? We’ve become such a pussified society who spends all our time either being offended by something, or trying to demand others live as we want them to, and we’re missing the point of what’s really happening….Wake the fuck up, Drive your car!

All bets are off, though, if they design one that wipes your ass…I’m first in line for that!