Put that fucking dog down and nobody will get hurt!

So I’m pulling out of the parking garage at Crocker Park in Westlake, Ohio and a mini van comes flying out of nowhere and almost takes the whole passenger side of my Jeep out. This mother fucker never even looked my way while he barrelled right through his stop sign, going well above the posted 15 mph sign. Mind you, up until this point, I had followed the proper rules of indoor parking etiquette. I had my headlights on, was obeying the posted speed limits , and was looking both ways at the stop sign before pulling out. So, here comes, what I always assume to be a man….sorry, guys. Mr. Asshole driver, but all I see is a flash of white fluff. Now yelling at this guy at the top of my lungs as both fists fly into the air and into separate gestures, I floor it and get right behind this ass wipe. As he turns left at Trader Joe’s, I catch another glimpse of something white in the driver side window. I follow him until we both are able to make a right onto Crocker Rd. It takes me no more than a split second to bring my car parallel to his. We get stopped by the light at American Greetings. I wave to him, and motion to him to lower his passenger window. As the window lowers, I see the white object that I had caught a peek at before. It’s a fucking mop dog on his lap. Without thinking, because that is how I mostly react, I decided I was going to give this guy an American Greeting of my own.

I yelled/asked him if he knew what a fucking stop sign was?

He looked shocked by my question. Well, in all honesty, maybe it wasn’t the question, but my demeanor, or my language, or hell, it was probably a mix of all three. The window started going up, but I can guarantee he heard me when I told him he could shove that fucking dog of his square up his ass! This is for sure.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am an animal lover. A big animal lover. I don’t believe I have ever existed without at least 1 pet in all of my 47 years. At one time, I had 9 cats. I’ve picked them up off the roads, found them in my yard, been offered and unable to say no. Not just cats. I love all animals, snakes, gerbils, possums, raccoons. I have a rule at home. If it comes into the yard, I will feed it, and if I can my hands on it, I will also probably try to kiss it on the lips, very much to my hubby’s dismay. (Sorry, honey, but I kiss you and you put that snuff shit in your face!)

Anyways, this is probably the TOP pet peeve (pardon the pun), that I have with drivers. For the life of me, I don’t see the need to drive around with a damn animal in your lap? Would you drive with your kid in your lap? (OK, so bad question…I remember as a kid riding on grandpas lap because I liked to steer.)


Without thinking, because that is how I mostly react, I decided I was going to give this guy an American Greeting of my own.

Why can’t the dog sit in the passenger seat? Oh, I see, because your wife is sitting there? Well, then why can’t she hold the fucking dog? Why do you feel the need to pay more attention to your dog than you do the lives of the people around you on the road? What the fuck do you think is going to happen when you stop sudden and that dog either goes flying into the windshield, or falls onto the floor and gets stuck under the accelerator or even worse, the brake, and you cause a fiery crash and kill someone? What about the back seat? Can’t the dog be put into the back seat, given 2 open windows to run back and forth like normal people driving with their dogs? Or better yet, why not just put your fat ass in the back seat and let the dog drive? Too much to ask for, hu? Poor dog. Maybe has some type of separation anxiety? Oh, I see, maybe it’s a Therapy Dog, and you can’t stand to be separated from it? Obviously, it’s you that has the problem, cuz a dog is only going to be as smart as his owner. I’m thinking whatever your reasoning, maybe you shouldn’t be driving. Obviously your wife is about as brain dead as you are, because she puts her life into your hands because you can’t stop touching your dog long enough to go shopping. Now, I know this has got to be illegal and a danger akin to cell phone usage, texting while driving, etc., so why does it continue?

I contemplated following you but decided at the last second that I didn’t trust myself enough not to cause a death, so I released my anger, turned the radio up and drove along my merry way. Today, you were lucky, sir. But, if I ever come upon you again, I can’t promise that I’ll be able to walk away again. I’ll get you, and your little dog, too…