Ohio BMV Trip 2018


Yeah, Baby!

March 22, 2018

So, my day started with a very crappy realization that practically yanked my ass right outa a nice warm bed. I had forgotten to renew my license plate registration. Having celebrated my birthday two days ago, and this thought never even occurring to me, has me believing that my memory loss is not getting any better. Everyday, I hope for the best, but all this hoping isn’t amounting to a hill of fucking beans. While out shopping with mom the other day, I had to ask her 3 times what my purpose was for leaving the house. Why am I in this store? What did I come here to buy. Drawer pulls. That was her answer all 3 times. Drawer pulls. Then, last night as we watched tv, I had the overwhelming urge to go into the kitchen to do something. I stood up out of my chair, took 2 steps, and wondered what the hell I was doing. Where was I going? Did I have to pee? Did I need another glass of wine? Surely, not yet, cuz the glass next to me was still full. Christ! What the hell am I doing? Ah, ha, I’m off on a tangent…I would have forgotten what I was writing about today Had I NOT written the title at the top of my page. (This is my secret to writing memory success…my cheat…title at top of the page FIRST THING.)

Ok, so there I am, gathering all of my required paperwork that I will need to renew my registration. Knowing I wasn’t going anywhere that I deemed “face ready”, I brushed my teeth, combed my wild hair back and headed out the door. As I did, I caught a sight of my reflection in the picture window at the mop attached to my head. Damn. It looked horrible. Wild and untamed, it was everywhere. Sticking up here, stuck over there. I grabbed a bandana sleeve, covered my untamed tresses and left the house. I’ headed off to my first stop; the Ohio E Check station. Isn’t that place just a joke. I was there long enough to watch as the only worker there hot-rodded my poor Jeep almost through the whole length of the building. I don’t know if she wasn’t adept at driving a stick shift or she just thought Jeep was some kind of synonym for rocket-fucking-ship. I held my comment and my temper in check and talked to the gentleman behind me while Danika Patrick tested my car. After about 5 minutes, I left with my compliance certificate in hand. Next stop, the License Bureau.


“I pointed to the sign that was next to the camera. It said that all facial features must be shown as well as the full forehead. I then pointed to my head and face.”


The sign on the door said you must check in before taking a number. So far, so good. I spoke to the lady at the check-in counter, told her what I needed and she directed me to go stand in line #2. As I walked over, I noticed that there were 4 people ahead of me. Not so bad, I thought. I may just get out of here in record time. As I waited, I went over in my mind what I needed to get the job done. I opened my wallet and took my drivers license out. I looked at it, and noticed that it, too, had expired 2 days ago. What the fuck! I had exactly enough money left this week to get one sticker. I really needed 2, but since the travel trailer is in winter storage, that was $45 that I didn’t have to part with right now. Ugh! Great. Renewing my license was going to be, guess what? Exactly $45. Must be meant to be. So, I finish waiting my turn, and when I get to the counter, the lady tells me that since I needed both renewed, I would have to go back to the check-in desk, take an eye exam, and she would then be able to re-direct me to the proper line to wait in. Trying my damndest to keep my pulse and my breathing in check, I made my way up to the check-in desk. The lady there gave me a puzzled look. I could tell the next thing out of her mouth was going to be nasty, so I beat her to speaking. (I was too close to maiming something at this point….) “Seems that I must renew my drivers license, too.” She smiled, which took me by surprise. Even looked fake as hell. Thinking that she may never know that her smile may just have saved her life, she directed me to the eye machine and rambled on about flashing lights and colored boxes. When that was done, she told me to go wait in line #1. I retraced my steps back to where I had just come from moments before. The woman I spoke to at Counter #2 asked me if I had gone back for the eye exam. When I told her I did, she remarked that it was very quick. I said, “Well, I am kind of a super hero.” I waited another 10 minutes for my turn again. I got to the counter, told the lady what I needed and handed her all the paperwork at once. She was very efficient, and went straight to work. She smiled. I smiled. It was pleasant. As I waited, I looked around the bureau. It wasn’t too busy, but there were a few dozen people there. A big guy wearing a pair of shorts and a tank top. This seemed a bit out of place, but it is Cleveland. In March. At last check, my car reading said 27 degrees. Ha, must be his extra layer of fat. Yeah, sure, I have a few of those myself, and I’m always freezing my ass off. There was a guy in a suit, another guy in sweats, a few giggly girls in yoga pants, grandmas with walkers, and moms with strollers. All had the same damn look on their faces. The man behind me in line smelled half-dead, and the lady next to me wearing a hijab moved away slightly. I assumed his heady manly emanation must have offended her nostrils. The lady asked me if I needed to make any changes to the info on my license. I said that I wanted to change my weight from 280 to 260. As she made the changes, she handed me my new registration sticker, told me to remove my head covering and proceed to the picture taking area. I told her that I wasn’t comfortable taking my head covering off at that time. I pointed to the sign that was next to the camera. It said that all facial features must be shown as well as the full forehead. I then pointed to my head and face. She told me again that I would have to remove my head covering. I again stated that that would NOT be happening. She said I could only wear it for religious purposes or medical reasons. Did I have medical reasons? Well, that is really none of your business. (At this point, I didn’t feel like I needed to tell her that I was having a very bad hair day.) I told her Yes, I did have quite a few medical reasons. She asked me if I was going to remove it. I told her no a third time. She walked away and had a consultation with another woman sitting at a desk a few feet away. When that lady looked up at me, I just smiled the best smile I could muster at that point. It felt genuine, but I’m sure it looked like pre-meditated murder. I gave a slight nod of my head to draw her attention to the lady standing next to me wearing the hijab, who happened to be waiting in the drivers license renewal line. The lady dropped her eyes, and nodded. My lady came back and directed me toward the camera, where I got my picture taken. After wards, I was told to have a seat and it would take a few minutes for the license to process. I found a seat, and watched the lady in the hijab get to the front of the line, get her picture taken. I wonder if she was asked to remove her head covering? I wanted to ask her. When my name was called, I jumped up and practically ran to the counter. I was giddy with excitement. The man handed me the new license and asked me to look it over to make sure all the information was correct. All I could fixate on was the fact that on my new drivers license, that I will have for the next 4 years, has a picture of me wearing a black bandana sleeve.



I feel like I won something.

I feel like I stepped up and took on the establishment.

The man wasn’t keeping me down today!

Take that, Muther Fuckers!

Now, I am in no way racist of anyone, be it color, beliefs, religion, etc. BUT, I do have a problem with fairness. You simply cannot ask one person to do something and not allow others to do the same thing. To me, there is no difference between that lady’s hijab and my hillbilly bandana. I’m sure underneath what she wore, her hair was just as bad as mine, but who gave the Ohio BMV the right to make that call?



Non-Driving MF’s

Ok, so there are a few things that have been bothering me as of late. It seems that every new car commercial is toting on about some kind of new future-aged magical mechanical bullshit. I don’t know what came first. The car or the idiot driver. It’s like the age-old chicken or the egg riddle. With all of the gadgets we have these days that require our attention, do we really need more and more things to be automatic? Are we growing that stupid that we simply cannot even expect people to know how to drive theirfucking cars? This model comes equipped with lane detection sensors? Yeah, Well, I was born with tlane detection sensors. They are called EYES! They work by turning your head to see if anything is next to you before you put on your turn signal and merge over. Pretty simple, hu? Nope, too advance for some. People cannot be bothered with looking over their shoulders anymore. If there happens to be a car next to you, or lord forbid, someone’s elderly grandmother, whose electrical wheelchair just malfunctioned and is riding into traffic, trust that your car will let you know of this pending disaster and sound an alarm. Maybe there will also be some flashing lights in case your just too fucking dumb to use your sense of hearing. We do know one thing, though…turning to look is so cave man….completely outdated; obsolete.

Then comes the fact that your car can now parallel park itself. Really? Is there a reason why we need this? To me, if you cannot master the simple art of passing a drivers exam, then you shouldn’t be trusted with a 2 thousand pound torpedo of death and distruction! What is the purpose of these “options”, which I’m sure will become normalized in all cars in a few years? What are we doing in cars that we don’t have the split second it takes to turn our heads or park the car under good old manual power? Maybe we are on our cell phones, talking or texting. Maybe shaving, eating, planning the weeks recipes? Tell me, please, cuz I don’t get it.

Now, I see a truck commercial that has park assist for your boat. Ok, so let’s get this straight…you can’t drive forward, you can’t change lanes, you can’t back up without a camera, then you sure as hell don’t have the where-with-all to know how to reverse back-up a fucking boat or trailer. Wow, where was this technology when I was taking my CDL test years ago, and I had to parallel park on of those suns-a-bitches…

“All bets are off, though, if they design one that wipes your ass…I’m first in line for that!”


Just last week, I had a young girl come over to see my son and his gf. She was driving her daddy’s car. She couldn’t back up in a straight line, and completely buried her car in my neighbors yard, completely perpendicular to the driveway, where she sat and spun the tires til she dug out a nice mess for someone to fix. Once she got unstuck, she just drove off. Left a path of muddy destruction behind her. I’m still thinking about driving down the street to her house and slapping the shit outa her parents. I’d think of it as doing a public service. She, sadly, isn’t the first one….I’ve had about 2 other teen-aged drivers turf my yard, and my neighbors yard with their non-driving fucking asses.

Now, what’s going to happen when these cars are flying down the freeways going 70+ miles per hour next to you in your Prius with your small children? What’s going to happen when people start getting killed by these cars? I wonder who will be responsible? Will it be the “rider”, the car manufacturer, or maybe even the car itself? Whose to blame? Who goes to jail?

Why are we letting these car manufacturers treat us like were cattle? Like were stupid? We’ve become such a pussified society who spends all our time either being offended by something, or trying to demand others live as we want them to, and we’re missing the point of what’s really happening….Wake the fuck up, Drive your car!

All bets are off, though, if they design one that wipes your ass…I’m first in line for that!





Warning – Public Announcement!

Before I delve any further into this blog enterprise of mine, I feel that I must put out a public warning of what you may find here upon your visit to this site. I started this blog so that I would have a safe place to vent and to organize my thoughts, writings, and ideas. I never meant it to be a parking place for my polished Essays, movie scripts, or anything “serious” that I have written or am currently working on. This was meant to be a space where I could rant right off the top of my head and onto the page…raw as it can be, with no further edits or revisions. The thoughts that lead to these writings aren’t intended to be offensive, although some may take them that way. This is my blog, and my safe space, and I intend to write what’s on my mind. With that said, any continued interaction you have with this site is purely at your own risk. You may read things you find humorous, or you may read something that pisses you off to no end… Either way, I welcome any and all comments, but I ask that you be reasonably respectful. If you don’t agree with me, then by all means, get you a blog going and write about that. I can be your first story! I’m doing this for me. Because it makes ME happy.

Also, If your offended by smart-assed comments, crude and dirty language,  X-rated/Sexual & Adult themed situations, then may I suggest leaving now.

So, without further ado…

Love, Gwynny